The Anecdotal Life Part. 82

It is the fourth of July and I am feeling fiercely independent ( which may be another definition for angry) toward people who are incapable of keeping their word and those who are fearful of giving it. Most specifically, people who are cowards in the world of relationships. Those who , out of fear, can only lead and those , out of fear, that can only follow. I don't know the answer about finding a good balance. I see people marry someone safely like themselves, curl up in their little families and let the world go by. If they lose a partner, the shock is devastating. I laugh to myself, since, if I were to find someone and had to deal with a full relationship the shock might be devastating. I think I want to really grouse about relationships, but maybe I just need to ramble. "I've seen em all" I think, one way or another. Some who take the first person to come in the door, some who keeps lists or an agenda of what the perfect woman is. (Of course, no woman fits it. )Some men who buy a relationship. Money is a telltale item as to who they are and to what they're like. I have only met one or two who can put money into a relationship, for whatever reason, and not , very subtly or not so subtly make you feel obligated. Basically, I'm a giver. I have found it the best defense to remaining independent, and I don't take very well. Sometimes I give to people just to see how they handle it. I envy Oprah though. She spreads it around, stays single and solvent. It would be delicious to be able to give like that.
But I read that the real trick in life is to move from dependent to independent and then interdependent relationships. I have failed thus far to make the final leap. People say so easily that my "chooser is broken". Maybe so. But the playing field gets more and more complicated the older I get. The players more and more injured or stuck in lockstep patterns of dealing with people. They want someone to enter their world , their habits and "same ol, same ol" routines. They don't want to make the changes. They don't want to make the moves. Anything new or different is suspect or wrong. I met a whole marina like that when I moved my boat around.
The toughest type of man for me is one who blows hot and cold. ( and the more intelligent , the tougher it is to spot. )I am writing to one now who can run both gamuts in a single paragraph. Those are the hardest to give up on. When they blow hot, your lonely heart starts beating. Then on the turn of a dime , they blow cold the second they see you respond. They are that frightened. More simply put, they are far from ready and terribly afraid to make a mistake. I can equate with that. But! "o.k. fine" , I have learned to say and it's "feet don't fail me now."Sometimes I think I am like the woman in the red cape in the movie "Chocolate". However, if I take a closer look at myself, how clever of me to find someone not quite ready and have him to blame.
I read a quote from the Einstein section on my Google homepage. "Don't look for someone you can live with. Find someone you can't live without." What a risk that is. What a boatload of trust that takes. What a life it is without it.
Copyright: July 4, 2008.